– Ashley Mitchell, founder of Lifetime Healing Foundation (quote from an article posted for the NFCA in 2017)

Ashley Mitchell, a driving force in the modern re-evaluation of post-adoption support, is a birth mother who has dedicated her life to ensuring accessibly of post-adoption support for birth mothers nationwide. Through hearing Ashley’s story and others like hers, we have been inspired to continue learning and growing in our role as adoption professionals. We find ourselves dedicated to the cause of providing quality post-adoption support for the entire triad, while simultaneously developing a network of support and relationships with other agencies committed to this same mission.

To learn more about open adoption and other related topics, check out our previous articles here.

What kind of Post-Adoption Support does AdoptionWorks and ChristianWorks provide?

At ChristianWorks, we take the call seriously to support the adoption community with post-adoption resources.

Our free support groups for adoptive families and birth mothers are open to the community at large. We also offer sliding scale counseling services for individuals across the lifespan who are part of an adoption triad. Our adoption professionals do not just walk through pregnancy and placement with AdoptionWorks families during an adoption. They are also trained in providing uniquely catered mental health and adoption-related support services to members of our community who need it.

But of course, adoption-related support services are not something that one agency can do alone. One of our major goals as both an adoption agency (AdoptionWorks) and mental health agency (ChristianWorks) is to curate a network of referrals, resources, and services that provide post-adoption support for a variety of family systems and individuals. Throughout this article you will find some of the resources we find helpful.

As always, please know that ChristianWorks and/or AdoptionWorks do not necessarily support every opinion expressed in these resources. Please use your own discretion to find what works best for you.

What is Post Adoption Support and why is it needed?

If you have ever had any connection with adoption, it is not news to you that adoption impacts a life for…. well, for life. For adoptees, birth families, and adoptive parents alike, the need for support does not end when a gavel declares an adoption finalized.

Post adoption support is just as it sounds: resources for families and individuals who have experienced an adoption placement. Specific adoption-related themes present themselves throughout stages of development for a person who is adopted. Likewise, as an adoptee grows, adoptive and birth families also experience new challenges and areas of growth to address.

For adoptive parents and families, post adoption support often focuses on the following topics: attachment, trauma-informed parenting, ambiguous loss, and relationships with birth families.

Post-adoptive support for adoptive parents should also involve exploration of the parents’ own attachment styles. This self-awareness can create a strong foundation for parenting with intentionality and empathy.

We know that a parent who is attune to their child’s needs is more likely to build positive attachment, thus impacting a child’s ability to grow and maintain healthy relationships into adulthood [6]. And since a child who joins a family through adoption has a higher risk of lacking secure attachment to his or her parents, this kind of education for adoptive parents is vital and life changing [3].

But to best meet the unique needs of each adoption triad, adoption professionals must effectively assess the family constellation.

“Because adoptive parents’ ability to access and use effective support services is associated with adoption permanency, understanding the postplacement needs of adoptive families is essential” [3].

Adoptive parents who seek out and actively participate in post-adoption programs and support are more likely to feel confident and effective in their parenting and connection with their children [3].

Helpful resources for adoptive parents :

TBRI self-guided training:Trust Based Relational Intervention

State- approved Post Adoption Service Providers in the State of Texas

I have intentionally left the resource list for adoptive parents small, because there is great value in seeking in-person consultation and unique support for your family. I recommend beginning with the information above, or giving us a call at ChristianWorks to learn more about how we can serve you in this area or direct you to an agency that can best help you!

For birth families, specifically birth mothers, post-adoption support often centers around discussions of trauma, ambiguous loss, grief, and triad relationships.

Much like with an adoptive family, a birth mother’s needs are unique to each individual, and treatment should reflect these distinctions.

The impacts of adoption on a woman who has placed a child with another family are lifelong. Even within a healthy and open adoption relationship, there are themes of grief that will absolutely arise. It is imperative that women have a safe and open space to revisit these topics as needed.

To learn more about the experience of a birth mother, we recommend the following books:

God and Jetfire by Amy Seek

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin

Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.

For adoptees, post-adoption support is often centered on themes of identity, grief and loss, and relationship building. Children will most likely process their adoption story differently in each stage of development. For example, during adolescence, a time that is naturally a season of growth in one’s self-awareness and identity development, adoptees may have a more difficult time reconciling their personal and adoptive identity with their birth identity. Questions arise for an adoptee during adolescence that their peers will never have to ponder.

For younger adoptees, a lot of support involves training adoptive parents to help recieve their child’s personal view of adoption with open ears and hearts. We want adoptive parents to avoid shying away from tough conversations, and instead help their children voice their lived experiences about adoption. The more we are able to support adoptive parents when children are young, the more open a child will be to talking about their challenging adoption experiences when they are older. An adoptive family who is truthful and transparent about the realities of adoption are able to communicate more efficiently and lovingly with each other.

We love the following books for adoptees, young and old

Adoption is Both by Elena Hall

Through Adopted Eyes by Elena Hall

Growing Grace by Erin Mason

The Invisible String by Patrice Karst

I Love you From Right Here by Jamie Sandefer (foster care specific)

Notes:

– The Instagram account @adoption.books posts reviews about adoption books for children, and can be a fantastic resource for parents wanting to be conscientious about the adoption narratives they present to their children.

– Adoptee Reading: Books Written and Recommended by Adoptees is a website database of adoptee-authored books, research, and poetry

Other resources for adoptees:

Adoptee Mentorship Society created by Angela Tucker

Virtual Summer Camp for Teen Adoptees, hosted by Cam Lee Small, MS, LPCC

Rewriting Adoption

The Adoptee Collective

Being adopted is only one part of my story. But, it is the part of my story that filters out everything else.

-Kara Donaldson, co-founder, The Adoptee Collective

____________________________________

The following chart depicts the most-requested post-adoption services from triad members of domestic adoptions in the United States, according to the Rudd Adoption Research Program at the University of Massachusetts Amherst [2]:

“Without considering the adoptee experience, programming may inevitably cause adoptees to feel that there is something wrong with us that needs fixing” [2].

Thankfully, many of the past decade’s changes surrounding pre- and post-placement adoption support are based on the triad members’ lived experiences. The “adoptee approach,” for example, is “for adoptees, by adoptees,” and includes a focus on helping adoptees feel comfortable voicing both the beautiful and challenging aspects of being adopted [2].

Birth mother support resources are similarly seeking to integrate research-based grief and trauma work with feedback from birth mothers, themselves, to meet women where they are in their ongoing stories of loss and grief after placement.

Post placement resources often include group support. There is often nothing more healing than to hear another person say, “you are not alone.” When we shine light on the secret shame and hurt that can fester in someone’s life by normalizing difficult thoughts and themes, we allow healing to begin.

References:

1. Intervention and program catalog. Child Welfare Information Gateway. (n.d.). https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/postplacement/evaluation/

2. Kalb, S., & Tucker, A. (2019). How adoptees are shaping post-adoption services – UMass Amherst. https://www.umass.edu/ruddchair/sites/default/files/rudd.kalb.pdf

3. Lee, B. R., Wyman Battalen, A., Brodzinsky, D. M., & Goldberg, A. E. (2020). Parent, child, and adoption characteristics associated with post-adoption support needs. Social Work Research, 44(1), 21–32. https://doi.org/10.1093/swr/svz026

4. Rolock, N., Ocasio, K., Webb, J., Fleary-Simmons, D., Cohen, L., & Fong, R. (2018). Implementation science and prevention in action: Application in a Post-Permanency World. Journal of Evidence-Based Social Work, 16(1), 1–17. https://doi.org/10.1080/23761407.2018.1517068

5. Texas Department of Family and Protective Services (DFPS). DFPS. (n.d.). https://www.dfps.texas.gov/Child_Protection/Adoption/adoption_support.asp

6. Zeegers, M. A., Colonnesi, C., Noom, M. J., Polderman, N., & Stams, G.-J. J. (2019). Remediating child attachment insecurity: Evaluating the basic trust intervention in adoptive families. Research on Social Work Practice, 30(7), 736–749. https://doi.org/10.1177/1049731519863106

The post A Case for Post Adoption Support and Where to Find It appeared first on AdoptionWorks.

Almost two years ago I paused my professional work with birthmothers and women in unplanned pregnancies when my own daughter was born—and now, when I revisit the topic of adoption placement, I recognize the major shift that has occurred in me since becoming a mother. I think back to my time working with birth mothers and I sit in wild wonder at the powerful love I got to witness pouring from these women. They have taught me so much about unconditional love.

While I have always harbored empathy and admiration for the resilience of birth mothers, there is now an ache that resides in the depths of my gut on their behalf. It gnaws at me ferociously. I have never had more desire to see the adoption community become a place of support and truthfulness for birth mothers. They deserve that in the very least.

Birth mothers are strong. They are brave and sometimes not so brave, like most of us. They have jobs and families and a backstory; many have a strong faith. Lots of them are parenting.

All of them are parents.

Birth mothers find comradery with one another in the specific burdens they bear, with the most obvious and piercing of these burdens being a distinct desire to love, protect, and care for a person whom they may only know from a certain distance.

Birth mothers’ emotions are many, and often exist concurrently: Joy and pain. Sorrow and gratefulness. Fear and hope.

As you continue to read this, I hope you do so with a mind of utmost respect for women who have made adoption plans for their children. It has been my honor to sit in the power of resilience that birthmothers exude, and I pray I describe those experiences well.

A Birthmother by definition

A birthmother is simply a woman who has carried and birthed a child. In the case of open adoption, a birthmother is someone who voluntarily chooses to make an adoption plan for her child and has relinquished her parental rights.

Typically we do not consider a woman a “birthmother” until she has officially signed paperwork to relinquish those parental rights. This honors the fact that she may still choose to parent her child up until that point. Relinquishment, however, is permanent and final.

Some birthmothers may have placed a child for adoption during a time in which closed adoption was the norm, and have yet to experience reunion with their child(ren). Some have varying levels of open relationship with the adoptive family.

Birthmothers of all ages and stories are women whom AdoptionWorks and ChristianWorks seek to support in their healing journey.

The birthmother experience throughout the lifespan

Words will not give expression to the aching within, the anguish of birthing but not nurturing, of creating but not guiding, of the giving of life but not the care-giving of life

-Jane Guttman, The Gift Wrapped in Sorrow

While each adoption story is unique, birthmothers tend to share some common experiences. Open adoption has been identified to have significantly more positive outcomes for an adoption triad than closed adoption, but it is not without themes of grief, loss, and sorrow.

After all, the process of infant adoption begins with a loss: the separation of a child from his or her mother. Regardless of the reason for this separation, even if it is a seemingly necessary one, this loss is experienced by both mother and child and is not insignificant. For a minute or days-old child, this loss is earth-shattering. It is a rupture of the only human connection he or she has ever known. A birth mother’s body and brain likewise continue to prepare to nurture this child in various ways until the loss is realized. From these moments forward, birth mothers and adoptees alike experience various intensities of ambiguous loss. (For more about this topic, The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier is a suggested read).

Ambiguous loss is a term used to describe a loss that is not final, such as a loss to death. In ambiguous loss, a person may grieve a relationship with someone who is still alive and well but is separated from them in a major way.

A birth mother often experiences ambiguous loss in different ways throughout the lifespan of her child. Even in a very open adoption relationship, a woman may grieve the loss of a direct role in raising her child, or the loss of witnessing first steps or packing a lunch on the first day of school. The child—her child— is growing and thriving and living, but this birthmother is not in a caregiving role. Ambiguous loss is not resolved quite the same way as more definitive losses; it is ever-changing and re-appearing and can manifest itself in entirely new ways at each turn of life.

Birthmothers may also experience disenfranchised grief, which is grief that is not socially understood or recognized. Those unfamiliar with adoption may question a birthmother’s right to grieve. Questions such as Didn’t you choose this? or Won’t you get to see her periodically? show a great lack of understanding of the complexities of a woman’s decision and circumstances in which she may choose to place a child for adoption. Under such circumstances, a woman may feel that her grief is unwarranted or wrong. Feels isolating, no?

Disenfranchised grief is one of the major reasons that post-adoption support (see below) should be an essential part of an adoption agency’s work. Our birthmothers often feel alone

and guilty about their very real grief. It is our duty to offer accessible resources or point them to trusted ones.

Birth mothers also may experience changes in emotional and mental health post-placement for years to come. Many report going through the grief cycles of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance at different seasons of life.

Anxieties regarding the open relationship also heavily exist. Birthmothers may often feel unsure of how to request visits or feel like they may not want to impose on an adoptive family. What-if questions can be overwhelming.

What if I bug them so much they do not want to see me anymore? What if I don’t call and they think I don’t care?

What if I disappoint them?

What if they suddenly decide to quit responding if they think I am not good enough?

What if…what if…what if…

Like any relationship, open adoption relationships take a while to feel natural. Communication, trust, and respect are built upon over the years and can feel understandably tricky to navigate at first.

Sometimes a heavy dose of ambiguous loss feels too overwhelming, leading a birthmother to step back from the open relationship for a bit. This can feel emotionally safer for her as she learns to manage her grief and loss in real-time.

The role of adoption professionals

Recovery from the loss of a child to adoption represents an under-researched and poorly understood experience for women. Even today, too many women feel pressured to relinquish their children without adequate preparation, counseling, or support during their pregnancy, the placement process, and in the years following the adoption (Brodzinsky& Smith, 2014).

In recent years, new efforts have been made to better serve birthmothers. Calls for adoption reform and standards of care persist. Many agencies are learning that their ethical obligation to serve the entire triad must include expansive care for the expectant mother before, during, and after placement.

AdoptionWorks at ChristianWorks consistently strives to be the standard for such care. The team is dedicated to better understanding the needs of women placing a child for adoption, both pre- and post-placement. AdoptionWorks also provides extensive education on the birthmother experience when training prospective adoptive families.

Pregnancy: We believe a woman deserves support and empowerment throughout her pregnancy with professionals who will be honest about the experience of the birth mother

journey and readily connect a woman with resources to help her pursue parenting if she decides to do so.

We hold sacred the role of mother and believe that a mother’s decision to parent or place her child for adoption is one that she is capable and qualified to make. We journey with her through these decisions with her as much or as little as she prefers for us to.

Post-placement: AdoptionWorks partners with Ashley Mitchell of Lifetime Healing Foundation to provide a framework for a post-adoption birth mother support group. This group is facilitated by a licensed counseling professional and exists to help women courageously face the difficulties of post-placement within a community of women who understand the deep-seeded wounds that can persist.

We also provide lifetime assistance in navigating the open adoption relationship.

Other Resources for Birthmothers:

Knee to Knee Healing Support Groups

Lifetime Healing Foundation

On Your Feet Foundation

BraveLove

AdoptMatch

References:

1. Brodzinsky, D., & Smith, S. L. (2014). Post-placement adjustment and the needs of birthmothers who place an infant for adoption. Adoption Quarterly, 17(3), 165–184. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926755.2014.891551

2. Byun, I. (n.d.). A phenomenological study of birth mothers and their experiences with open adoption (dissertation).

3. Krahn, L., & Sullivan, R. (2015). Grief & Loss resolution among birth mothers in open adoption. Canadian Social Work Review, 32(1–2), 27–48. https://doi.org/10.7202/1034142ar

4. Landers, A. L., Danes, S. M., Carrese, D. H., Mpras, E., Campbell, A. R., & White Hawk, S. (2022). I can still hear my baby crying: The ambiguous loss of American Indian/Alaska native birthmothers. Family Process, 62(2), 702–721. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12815

5. Minnesota Department of Human Services. (n.d.). Understanding ambiguous loss. https://www.motherschoice.org/app/uploads/2020/10/Understanding-Ambiguous-Loss.pdf

The post What is a Birthmother? appeared first on AdoptionWorks.

As necessary changes are made to adoption policy, it is easy to make large generalizations about how we got here and paint the adoptive parent as the big, evil archetype in adoption history. And this, while in some instances it is deserved, is not always fair to the group as a whole.

Adoption is hard. It begins with loss and is steeped in trauma from the get-go. I am thankful that individuals with adoption hurts have spaces where they can discuss their stories with openness and vulnerability.

But the longer I observe the adoption world online, the more I become concerned for the emotional well-being of the men and women who are what we call prospective adoptive parents (see our list of Terms to Know at the end of this article).

We could write books upon books (on top of the ones that already exist on the topic) about what a prospective adoptive parent must understand about adoption, trauma, loss, parenting, transracial families, and the importance of openness.

These things are all major aspects of adoption education, and I do not suggest that a prospective adoptive parent take any of these topics lightly.

But I also think that the wildly disparaging narratives about adoptive parents can start to demean the conscientious men and women who are doing this difficult work of learning and preparing with all that they have.

It can be discouraging for a person to feel as if they have failed before even beginning. I believe that active support for prospective adoptive parents during the “waiting” phase of an adoption journey can provide positive outcomes for the entire triad.

_______________________________________

Let’s consider for a moment the host of differences between the typical waiting period to birth a child (aka, pregnancy), and the wait to become a parent through adoption. Some of these differences exist because they include good and very necessary steps to prepare parents for the adoption journey. Yet, these differences still come with their own set of normal emotional responses.

As a prospective adoptive parent:

1. The timetable of your “wait” is completely uncertain (as opposed to an expectation of 9 months of pregnancy).

2. You have little control over the health and well-being of your prospective future child in utero

3. You are not yet considered a parent. Prospective adoptive parents is not only a cumbersome title, but a very inconclusive one.

4. You are not able to bond with your child yet.

5. Even if you have been matched with birth parents, you may feel very unsteady regarding your current role

6. You are being required by an agency to learn aspects of parenting that you may not have previously known existed, such as the effect of trauma on behavior, or the complexities of existing as a transracial adoptive family. While it is super helpful education, you cannot help but think about how little “training” your friend who is growing a family by pregnancy is required to do.

7. Your life has been cracked open and peered upon by strangers who are deciding if you are fit for this journey. It feels raw.

I have never met an adoptive parent who did not wholeheartedly agree that these experiences were worth it in the grand scheme of things. And yet that does not negate the host of emotions and experiences that the waiting period can bring.

Waiting is often an emotional roller coaster.

There is an unending list of logical things to do during the waiting period, including organizing a nursery and pursuing more specific education about adoption (And if you only do one of these things, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do the latter).

But oftentimes it is more difficult to focus on the heart and soul work of parenting. I hope that these suggestions spur you to delve into some internal places of healing and growth while you wait.

How to Mentally and Emotionally “Wait Well” for Prospective Adoptive Parents

1. Utilize available counseling services. Not sure what to talk about in counseling? First, discuss your own attachment style and how this may impact parenting and/or the marriage relationship.

Here are some other helpful questions posed by Christa Jordan, adoptive mother and author of the book, Before You Adopt: A Guide to the Questions You Should be Asking :

– What are some areas of your life you are feeling unsatisfied or lacking?

– Are there unresolved issues/pain from past relationships and/or infertility issues that need to be addressed?

– What are your fears/ hesitations/ “worst case scenarios” that you have about adoption or foster care?

– Do you feel any shame in growing your family through adoption?

2. Find people who have been in this season before. Find people who are currently in this season. Ask them all the things. Babysit their kids.

3. Read or listen to some parenting books both from both an adoptive perspective and a general perspective.

4. Cultivate your faith. Also, consider how your faith informs your vision of yourself as an adoptive parent. One book that we recommend is It Takes More than Love: A Christian Guide to Navigating the Complexities of Cross-Cultural Adoption by Brittany Salmon.

5. Allow yourself to grieve the fact that the adoption journey brings challenges. Allowing yourself this space to grieve is not only okay, but vital. Growing your family through adoption means that you will probably feel sad about missing out on aspects of growing a family through birth. You are not a terrible person for feeling that sadness. Experience it. Process it. But don’t dwell there forever. We would rather you process these feelings now than allow them to later impede healthy parenting.

6. Listen to adoptee voices. A DFW local writer, adoptee, and adoption professional Elena Hall is a fantastic resource to begin this endeavor. Her works include Through Adopted Eyes and Adoption is Both

7. Turn down the noise on social media

8. Spend quality time with your spouse. And then spend even more quality time with your spouse.

9. Talk to your spouse about your expectations for discipline.

10. Spend time intentionally praying for your child, your child’s birth family, and your own potential future as parents.

Now, a Personal Note.

As a new maternity caseworker a few years ago, I was actually quite intimidated by the prospective adoptive parents at our agency.

These are couples who just generally seem to have their lives together, I thought. I mean, sheer management of the massive stacks of paperwork that one must scale before even making it to a home study is wildly overwhelming. These were real adults. I felt so small.

It was not long before I learned that the internal world of a prospective adoptive parent is not all confidence and perfection, even if their profile books appear to be so. There are often feelings of doubt, worry, lack of self-confidence, pain, fear, bewilderment, and even shame.

Entering into the world of adoption is not for the faint of heart. But these parents-to-be are willingly facing potential emotional upheaval head-on.

To any Prospective Adoptive Parents out there, I want you to know that we care about you and we want you to be successful in parenting well. You are not just a scapegoat for the adoption community, but an avenue for someone to experience love and attachment following the most incredibly treacherous loss.

Even silly, intimidated maternity caseworkers like me are here to support you. Thank you for the heart and soul that you pour into loving others well.

Terms to know:

– Prospective/ Hopeful Adoptive Parent(s): A person who is somewhere in the process of becoming an adoptive parent.

– Waiting parent(s): A person or family who has been approved by an agency and is waiting for a placement.

– Waiting period: The time that a person or family is waiting has been approved with an agency and is waiting on an adoptive placement

– Adoption Triad: the triangular representation of an adoptee’s relationship to his or her birth and adoptive family, with the adoptee at the top and the birth and adoptive families as the bottom foundational corners. Together, all three parties make up a triad.

– Birth Mother: A mother who has placed a child for adoption and relinquished legal rights to parent that child.

– Expectant Mother: A woman who is pregnant. Even if she is currently making an adoption plan, she is never called a birth mother until she has relinquished her parental rights. This distinction is made to honor a mother’s agency to choose to parent her child at any point prior to signing relinquishment.

– Birth Family: Other biological family members of an adoptee

– Adoptive Family: A couple or family who has legally adopted a child.

Resources:

It Takes more than Love: A Christian Guide to Navigating the Complexities of Cross-Cultural Adoption by Brittany Salmon.

Before You Adopt: A Guide To The Questions You Should Be Asking by Jonathan and Krista Jordan

Adoption is Both by Elena S. Hall

Through Adopted Eyes by Elena S. Hall

Note: There are so very many educational resources for Prospective Adoptive Parents. Make sure to follow @adoptionworkscw to stay up to date on recommended resources that our team suggests

The post Adoption Chat: “Support in the Wait” for Prospective Adoptive Parents appeared first on AdoptionWorks.

A quick definition of open adoption:

Open adoption, also known as modern adoption, is currently the most widely accepted type of adoption the United States. It refers to an adoption in which a birth mother or birth parents have specifically chosen the family that will be adopting the child and have opportunity for communication and relationship with the adoptive family and adoptee throughout the course of his or her life.

As of 2012, approximately 95% of adoptions that occur were considered “open” [6]. It can be assumed that this percentage is even higher today, a full decade after this study was completed.
Yet, this wide acceptance of open adoption was not always the case. Closed adoption, as described below, was the norm for most of the 20th century. But a shift began to occur in the social work and
adoption field as many professionals began to question the previously-standard procedures of keeping legal lock and key on adoptees’ birth and medical histories.

By the mid-1990’s these professional practices became commonplace, and open adoption took its place as the new standard of adoption care.

The post What is Open Adoption? appeared first on AdoptionWorks.